I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Randomize
