Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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