well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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