i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
