I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
