Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
