I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
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