the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
