i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Randomize
