I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
