Hey man sorry I got all grabby
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
