thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Randomize