this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
