That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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