I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Randomize
