she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
