You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Randomize
