How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Randomize
