i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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