Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
