I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
