I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
