Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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