Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
