I'm pants shitting drunk right now
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Randomize
