In America we eat man semen.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
