I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
