so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
