That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Randomize
