Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Randomize
