Plan B is the new Plan A
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
Randomize