My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Randomize
