Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Randomize
