he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
