I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
