Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
