I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Randomize
