I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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