I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
The struggles of a small town man whore
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
