Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
