When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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