I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
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