He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
