Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Randomize
