Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
