Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize