Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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