id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
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