My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Randomize
