high people should be assigned attendants
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
