You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
