"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
