I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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