I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize