Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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