everyone is single if you try hard enough
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Randomize
