do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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