When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
