me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Randomize
