New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
