I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
