Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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