he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Randomize
