I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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